The difference between Good parent GREAT parent

I am going to apologize in advance if this doesn't have structure and maybe a ramble. I am overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts...

There's certain moments, statements and situations in this whole long drawn out, dramatic domestic dispute that have hit me like a solid punch to the gut... Having me say to myself... "Oh, wow!" And crying an over abundance of crocodile tears.

I was in bed, and he was on the phone with whomever it was around September 4-6, 2016 at 2:24 am and I don't know if it was through speakerphone, bluetooth or interference, but I heard her say "She's right about one thing, I am in love with you. Last night was perfect, it was how it should be." Soon after I heard him scream at her when he found out she had confided in Pat from work. When I did a factory reset on my phone and restored with a back up from iCloud, and our iMessages were combined, I read a text from November 23, 2016 at 7:24 pm, over Thanksgiving where he says to the replacement, now GF,  "I wish you were here....You could have come if things would have happen sooner, lol."  She responds confidently, with "It's Ok, next time for sure."Just two nights ago, October 19, 2017, his side-girl, FWB, mistress, "psychotic ex roommate who stole everything including the dog" (his words to me) or whatever he calls her or she calls herself, but the girl he cheated on me with and now cheats on the replacement with... Called me and said... "I know you are going to summoned me to testify and I have to tell the truth.... I am not against you, but I am not against him either. You are putting me in a really bad position." Then she went on to say, "when you reached out to me and acted like you wanted to be my friend and recorded the things I told you, your tricked and deceived me. You lied." Yes I did reach out to her, I wanted to know the truth... I did record her because I was honestly scared for my life but determined for answers. My determination is my worst enemy...Every time I hear someone say "But he's such a great dad." I cringe... it is like nails on a chalkboard. I want to scream so freaking loud, but I have learned to not be so defensive about it. People only know what is on the surface... So now I simply respond with "I don't agree. He is a good dad. Our daughter is well cared for, healthy, smart, beautiful and super happy.... But GREAT DADS don't do this to the mother of their children." Great dads don't hate the other parent, the biological mother, more than they love their child. I will make that clearer, GREAT PARENTS DO NOT HATE THE OTHER PARENT MORE THAN THEY LOVE THE CHIL.

Now my point of this blog, the common denominator in all 4 situations,  the women or person that support these behaviors. We have all heard the saying if he does it with you then he will do it to you. But for some reason or another we all think we will be different, or maybe we actually love unconditionally and accept that it will not be different. Here's the thing though, we should all want to be the one who makes someone better not feed into them being God awful human beings. But yet it doesn't always go that way... It should but it doesn't. I don't understand it, I wish I did. I wish someone somewhere could explain this to me. Even these women's mother's the boast and brags about this man with their daughters. They say what a great looking couple, couple of the year, how they can't wait for their wedding day.  Are you kidding me? I have 3 daughters and I dare each one of them to bring home one who says to me their ex was crazy or psychotic, because my question is what did you do to cause that person to be that way. NOW WAIT! There are exceptions to this rule, I get that some people are just crazy and their thought process is way out there. But for the most part how humans act is usually a reaction. I often say to myself "Self, (that's what I call myself), does anyone ever say to him 'Just stop it will do more for your daughter that you tried to help and gave her mother the opportunity rather then not' if no one has, can someone please do so? 

If our friends are in situations that seem sketchy or just not right, we tell them? I do. SIDE NOTE: I have a friend, God bless her hopeless romantic heart, I am much more cynical given it all... Anyways she came to me one day so in love, and he was sweeping her off her feet, on expensive vacations, giving extravagant gifts, helping with her child. I asked her what do you other friends think? She said that it was like a dream come true, I told her eventually you wake up from dreams. I said something doesn't seem right it's too much too soon, he's roping you in to make it so you can't run away.... She was hurt, I understood. We agreed to disagree that day, and when 6 months later she called because she needed help leaving him, because it was worse than expected, she said to me "you were the only one who didn't say this was perfect."  I would like to think that maybe somewhere through the time that she was there she heard my voice saying "no, something isn't right" because I thank god she didn't waste too much time with some one like him. Like I did.

In the last year the things I have found proof of and the records I have kept, they still shock me. He had sex with 9 women between me having our daughter, and the time he forced me out of our house, 5 months. 9 women came into my home and had sex with my husband with my child there, and no one came to me and said this is going on you are not crazy.  He bragged about it to the girls at work, to his friends, on websites, live stream, but still no one warned me or stopped him.  I have to subpoena people using phone records, videos that coincide with the ones protected form the "revenge porn" act to force them to admit the truth. 

I will stop rambling....after this.....

A husband betrayed his wife, he got angry at her and blamed her, he cheated on her, he convinced her she was crazy, he convinced others she was abusive, he lied, he had others lie for him, and then he had the state come in and lied to them he threathened his wife to go along with what he said "or else" he abused her emotionally, physically, mentally and when she reacted he abused the system to do his dirty work. And took credit proudly, others helped him even more proud then he himself was at what he had done. He laughed about it, joked about it, would say to the child "uh oh mommy' crazy train is here choo-choo" or apologize that I was her mother, the crazy one. He had sex with multiple women while our child was in the bed, or  sometimes in the other room, crying and he would yell out to her "Give me a few more minutes" He would put her in the crib and have sex with women on the couch right next to that crib.... I have the pictures, the videos. But no one else has come forward and admit their own wrongdoing, their part in it.  Only the one girl who I recorded was the one to ever confirm what I knew, and thank god for that recording because had I not had it, I don't know if I would have kept fighting for my children, myself or anything.... 

He didn't hurt just me, he hurt 3 other children who are without their siblings, he walked away and is so cruel to his 5 year old step son who thought and still thinks is his best buddy, regardless of hi not seeing speaking or letting his sister see him. Butt yet I hear it everyday, at least once, he's' a great dad. 

No, he's not, he's a good dad who provides for our daughter, he's not a good person, and if you support such behavior ask yourself what kind of person your are, please? Question your motives, reasoning, sensibility and logic on why you think so, how do you justify it? Don't say you care for my daughter, my children, and want what's best while you assist in the ruining of their lives..... When you are done with that.....Then put yourself in my shoes... I can only hope, that there is a special place in hell for those that claim love and act in hate. 

Help raise funds for attorney to assist in this smoke and mirror fight. 

UPDATE: I have a type its called "Cluster B"; 6 months late and 1 year later

It's been 5 months since court and 6 months since I have finally had the courage to talk/blog about that my situation after my truth was used against me (again) that day in the courtroom.

The day that the case was closed out to him.  It wasn't shocking to me, in fact I was more surprised that we were objecting it than anything else. I mean I had posted a blog and spread word that we should close the case out, right? We all remember that??? I thought we were all in agreement to close the case out, but when my attorney had said we weren't I was confused, but went with it. Maybe she knew something I didn't... .she didn't. The only thing I was apprehensive about that day was the fact that my soon to be ex-husband was going to be able to have full control over when and how I got to see my daughter, I begged the court to appoint another supervisor, but she said it and It echoed and he loved it, she said "I am sorry Mrs. Fagan but Mr. Fagan will have full control over those decisions going forward." I mumbled "full control, that's right. But Your Honor what if he doesn't provide me the 4 hours a week to see her due to what ever circumstance he chooses?" That was a good way to put it, she has to see where I am coming from now.... She asked him if he would be willing to supervise he stated no that we have too much of a violent history and that he has had the cops called on him one to many times, he is not putting himself in that predicament again...

Wait, did he just say the cops were called on him???? By who??? I didn't call them when he strangled me with the phone cord, or when he stabbed my leg to get the phones, or when he destroyed the two week old Galaxy Samsung 7 (he really didn't want me to retrieve those pics), or when he shoved the hamburger down my throat, or choked me, not when he threw my purse in to a gas station parking lot and told me to go get it so he can 'run my ass over,' and I didn't call them  when he almost drove the car off I-95 because I read 'her' text while we were driving home from a soccer game because as he put it "he wanted to kill us both, but he didn't because 'she' deserved him." (I assumed then, that he meant our daughter, I have learned not to assume anything anymore) But NOPE I never called the cops on him... But the judge who had laughed him out of the courtroom months earlier in his request for an injuction, sided with him and said "Mrs Fagan, if you are not given four hours individual visitation with your supervisor then you have to take it up in Family Court." He mocked and taunted me while we waited for the final papers to be handed to us in the common area. He told me he wanted me to pay $800 a month in child support "like my baby daddy did." I told him if he was struggling financially he should probably (at this time it was 1/5 of the amount it is today) have spent $4,000 on event tickets, accommodations and all that goes with these kind of plans. He didn't like that. But we closed the case got our papers and went our separate ways, he left with our child, I left alone.

During the dependency case I was asked and argued with a lot on "how" this happened, "why" this went this way, didn't I tell them about what he did and what he said, some accused me of withholding information. Everyone said there had to be more to the story, most could tell me about someone else who had such worse allegations against them than I did and they had their child(ren).... "It doesn't make sense there has to be more to the story"  I wish there was... I wish there was something that I was just in denial about something I didn't want anyone else to know but the truth was is and remains that there was no more to the story.  The biggest misconception everyone has is throughout these months and court appearances, he was never looked at, drug tested, or held accountable to anyone. Only I was. It was not a court case of me vs. him. He had the state do his dirty work when he sent them that bogus video he directed and produced.... It was the state vs me in the best interest of my daughter. As sold to them by a 3 time convicted drug felon, womanizer, master manipulator, awesome poker player, and admitted liar. Every time I would say but he did this.... They would say it's not about him. Every time I would catch something like driving the baby home after drinking, they would say "well he's not the offending parent" I remember asking him once the first time I caught him in bed with a woman (who then proudly told me she had been around for months), how could you lie to me? Why did you lie to me? The answer was simple and every time he lies I hear it in my head "because I was a liar Melissa, and that's what liars do, they lie." Such a simple yet profound statement... Take that and mix it with leopards never change their spots, and sprinkle it what I believe is cluster B... Long story short without getting to far off an over beaten trail.... He won the battle.... Now we go into family court. A new arena where it's not all eyes on just me, where I won't have to hear this isn't about him, being told he is not the offending parent. If we ever actually make it to family court....

Now since I have taken such a break, I have a lot to say next post will be either about mediation, or why when some one calls him a GREAT dad I have to correct them on why his only a good dad and then the discoveries of the last year...Thank you for following, reading, empathize and judging me. This is my story and its far from perfect..but it's mine... Truth be told.

DEAR JUDGE: A plea on my behalf of myself and my children...

Dear Judge,

I am asking that this case be closed. With respect to all parties, agencies and court officers involved in this case, I must state that some of them, especially those advocates that are to be looking out for my childrens best interest, have failed me, and even more so them.  Especially my one year old  daughter and 4 year old son.

When my marriage and home life became hostile and violent I had sent my other children to stay with family and/ or friends, so they wouldnt be subjected to the discord. And when DCF first came to our house it wasn't because of any of the reasons Im on a case plan for, it was because I had caught my husband cheating on me on video in my 16 year old daughters bed, while our infant child was partially strapped in her car seat in our living room. I know because that was the situation when I came home from work that day.  I remember a wave of relief when DCFshowed up and was getting involved. That was short winded. I was improperly diagnosed and on the wrong meds for post partum but under a drs continuous care. My husband had become distant, mean, verbally and emotionally and eventually physically abusive.  I had caught him having an affair, only one, of the many I now know about, but he denied it all.  He was able to use my post partum, past and most of all my emotional attachment to him, our family and our marriage to his advantage. He knew my reactions... he set me up. The day of the video that turned this situation around to go in his favor,  he had taunted me all morning just like he did before our marriage counseling appointments. It would make me seem erratic and over emotional almost to the point of psychotic because I was so hurt and defensive.  He said he was watching a sex video of himself and saying things like "Id never do that with you" to me. I asked for the phone. He refused. I demanded the phone he laughed at me.  I saw him switching from view to record. But I didn't stop.. as he put the phone in my face I slapped it away, while our daughter, then only 7 months was in my arms. Thats when he said "you scratched my face!" I immediately denied it because it wasn't true. He put down the phone and looked at me and in my eyes said "oh that was good, that was really good... who do I give it to first? The police? Dcf? Or your psychiatrist?" I cried, I asked him why would he do this? Why would he want that? And he laughed at me as he stood in the driveway, and said are you kidding?? Why wouldnt I? You're outta here. The rest is there in my court docs. That was the start of my shelter case. I tried telling everyone but no one with in the system believed me. He was cool as a cucumber in their presence I was not.  When they told me about the sheltering I asked how long it would take i was told 3-6 months. I cried. I knew my husband would not stand by me for that long, hindsight being 20/20 he had already left. You will see in my file that the case plan and terms I was intially presented with is no where near what i had signed up for. It was only about the 2 weeks before my husband band me from our home and my inlaws. It was about 2 weeks after this started that i found myself homeless.  I got a job, informed the case manager Kim Reites of it. I then received an email saying that the job had to let me go. Turns out Ms. Reites told them all of the accusations against me. I commuted from south Florida to Brevard to try to have visits with Nina at least once a week. I would call Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and receive a call on Friday saying there was no availability. Something wasn't right. When i did have a visit supervised by Ms. Reites she would tell me how my husband is hiring an attorney and having me served divorce papers, it seemed odd. On December 1st i dropped my phone and had to reset it. When i did it gave me 2 options for a restore from back up. I knew that one was my husbands, but i restored it. Upon doing so I found out the truth about it all. How he had set me up, his affairs, the sex hook up websites, his girlfriend Hayley, and of course his personal and sexual relationship with our Case Manager, Ms. Reites. Amongst the emails was one promising to drag this case out. Which explained why now 7 weeks into it i had received no referrals, no replacement supervisors and i hadn't seen my daughter in 5 weeks.  I went to A supervisor at Impower, I wrote complaints to Orlando and Tallahassee. I had told Ms. Reites about his gf she said I was wrong. That was when the GAL Laura Weiss told Impower that I may be right. That Friday Kim Reites went and confronted my husband and had a hard time accepting that there was in fact an girls friend. By Monday Saundra Thomas was my new case manager. This came as a relief to me, however it then occurred to me we had just wasted 4 months. Prior to Ms. Reites leaving her position she did notify my then current job of the ongoing situation, accusations and concerns of me. I was terminated from that position as well. I then came back to Brevard County, under the assumption this would help my case. The process had finally begun, but the time lost due to the inappropriate and unprofessional manner which my case was handle with up to this point was just a loss to me. My passed, clean, only prescribed meds that Ms Reites had called me to the Impower Office to take were missing. None of my additional supervisors were processed, but my husband had several people approved in a weeks time. It became very frustrating but I carried on. I continued visits with Impower supervisors, I went to weekly Aspire counseling sessions, I secured a job, a home. And I knew my prescribed meds were giving me false positives and that would be explained in due time. 

Then after I had done all that I was denied home visits, I was told I wouldn't be having an end to the process in May. That this would continue... it was then I realized I would never make it out of this process. It was roadblock after roadblock and my husband was going to fight me tooth and nail until I defaulted the case to him and gave up all my rights in family court. But at this point, at this stage of it all... I had a 4 year old little boy who wanted to stay with me, who didn't understand why him and his sisters couldn't be home with me, and why his stepdad wouldn't want to see him. I then decided I would no longer sacrifice myself or my other children for this case or case plan.  Then came the next conundrum.... if I defaulted I would have a very hard time ever winning back my custody of my son. Right now my son is living with his father and although he is a good father he is not providing a healthy household. My son has witnessed abuse, drug use and alcoholic rages. He deserves better. Please allow me to do that. 

I have admittedly used illicit drugs. But no drug that I have ever done did I not do with my husband, and my sons father has a drug trafficking charge on his record. The only difference is I owned my shortcomings.  

With that being said, Your Honor, I am a good mother I have not always been a great person but I have consistently been a good mother. I have four children from ages 18-1 and I love them all very much. I didn't want this case plan I wanted to go to trial but I was granted a Regional 5 Counsel who reminded me that I was one of a 100 cases on her desk and she did not have time for a trial. I know where I went wrong and it wasn't smacking that phone that day, it wasn't using the drugs my husband gave me and it wasn't telling the truth when everyone else lied. I should have left with my children. It was my job to protect them and put them first and I didn't realize it then I had put being a family above being a mother. 

Your Honor, I am asking you to release me of my case plan and this case immediately without prejudice. I have no problem remaining on meds or in counseling and I know my husband is requesting an absolute no contact parenting plan for me and our infant daughter. I don't know what to say to that. I know its a family court issue and I don't know or can recommend to you what should be in that situation because I don't know enough about the Juvenile Dependency courts to know what is even allowed or a choice. I am just asking for this to be over with, please. I want to go back to the life I had before this marriage, before our volatile relationship ruined us all. I want to be the mother and person I was the person I know I can be and will be. 

Please take my request into consideration. 

On your birthday...

For your birthday I hope all your birthday wishes come true. I hope that choosing a wish for when you blow out the candles is the hardest part of your day, because you already have everything you wanted. I hope you have a piece of cake or a cupcake at midnight and you celebrate your day instead of avoiding it like you have done in the past, because you deserve to be celebrated.

I hope the next year brings you nothing but happiness and good memories. I hope that you get to a point in life where you have no need to look elsewhere that what you have is just enough and what you need, since our daughter nor I were. I hope that you never need another (Side-chick) Sunday night out and that staying home is preferred, because it has all you desire. I hope that you balance life, by being the best you that you can be. I hope you raise the bar instead of being deceptive. I hope that you never are left unfufilled. I hope that you find your once in a lifetime love. The one who knows all the bad and loves you still, but even more than that you will love them in that same way. I hope that you hate me less and let the anger go. I hope that you remember the good and and forgive the bad. I hope that when you wake up every morning you are happy with yourself, your choices, and it is just how it should be.

Now, I dont know if all that is possible... some people will always want and need more...(so Ive heard...) but I hope for you it is. And please know that hope is genuine. Dont let all this be for nothing... the destruction, the ruining, the process. I hope that going forward you are most fufilled by the life(s) you have created.

MAY THE NEXT 41 YEARS BE YOUR BEST 41 YEARS.... and may my birthday gift to you be just what you wanted, one you received the other is delayed. Enjoy your day, your life and the gifts bestowed on you.

To the rest: As of yesterday the divorce papers are in his hands. He has asked that i sign over my custody and rights. I don't want to as a mother, but because I am a mother I dont think I have a choice. No child should have to live in such chaos. And as much as I want to believe there is an end in sight, I know there isnt. I dont know what I did to make him feel so hateful and angry. As much as he wants to say he fears me, he doesnt. As much as he wants to blame my mental health theres no evidence of his personal diagnosis. All his accusations and reasons are just stories, and so I dont know why....and I have come to terms with the fact that I never will. I have driven myself crazy trying to fix it all. Be better. Do more. Try harder. But the honest truth is this isnt something you can redeem yourself from. My life will never be the same. And not because I smacked a phone out of his hand while holding the baby. But because I had trusted, loved and believed in something and someone who didnt feel the same way.

4 Letter Words: Hell, Home, Hope

 This blog has been three weeks in the making and I do have to tell you that it is a much different blog than it would have been 3 weeks ago... and that is good and in some ways it's really not. 

The first week we can call Hell Week. Between Valentines Day, our Anniversary and my and our Daughters birthday it was a hard one to deal with and accept that we couldn't have those first and such together. Some days I cried, some days I didn't move and all of the days I wished I could fix it. Fix you. I have fixed me. How do I fix you? 

I had big hopes for the week after Hell week. It was supposed to be my moment to pull myself up from my boot straps and get it together. Then I got word of the offset and that I wouldn't be getting the $ I thought I would in order to finally get a place and no longer stay on people's couches, or air mattresses or floors like I had for the past 5 months. So I again lost hope... I couldn't blame you on this one.... It was just another my kind of luck situations. But by the grace of an Angel, my grandmother, it all worked out and I was able to secure a home with in 24 hours and move in within 72. I had done it. I had made it through the hardest part.... And in the back of my head I worried what you were going to do now that I had overcome this hurdle... I feared that... Then in another part a very little part somewhere that is the stupid part of my head thought maybe you'd just be proud that I did it, maybe you'd see that I was a fighter and stronger than you gave me credit for and maybe just maybe you'd remember why you fell in love with me in the first place. Stupid part of my head. Hopeless Romantic some will call it, I call it stupid fucking girl part. You tried your hardest to make the move harder and even tried cancelling it. I had to beg and plead with you to let me take my stuff and leave. I think my favorite part was when you said I couldn't come with Police and your mother but I would have to come when you were home and you would have the police protect you, Hayley and Nina, well that makes no sense if you were so scared of me isn't the safest way to do it is to not be around each other at all? 

Does anyone still buy this crap that you're the victim and I am the perpetrator? I mean I have slapped you when you have called me names, and yes you have had scratches on you from me trying to defend myself. But you are the one who strangled me with the phone cord and pulled it so tight around my neck that it broke, you are the one who left a 3 inch scar from a stab wound on my leg when I found her in the house at 5 am that Sunday I am the one who has scars on her hands from fighting to keep you off me, I am the one who you "almost drove off the rode to kill us", but you didn't because SHE deserves you, I now know it wasn't Nina you were talking about that night. I am the one you threw her purse out of the car and I refused to get out to get it and had to have a friend drive from our home in IHB to Cocoa to get it because I knew if I got out of that car to get it you were going to hit me and kill me. I have the voice recordings of you saying it. My friends have the voice recordings, my friends friends have them. We have the pictures. My children have the memories. But I stayed. I tried to accept all the blame. I can't complain about them sheltering my children from me because there is one thing that is the honest truth in those documents. I didn't put them first. I subjected them to the fights to the abuse to the toxic relationship. I sent them away to try and fight FOR us, when I should have walked away I loved you more than I loved them. And that is not what a mother is supposed to do. My fear of failing my fear of allowing Nina to be brought up by the person you really are when no one holds you accountable or gives you a reason to be better those fears made me not do the right thing. But that's not something me and my other children have to worry about anymore. Because that is our past.... Although the even after the immediate move I just wanted you. I never denied that there is definitely something wrong with me and if anything is crazy is that I still love and miss you.... But it's getting easier... And I have accepted it. 

You probably don't know this but I intercepted the delivery of our Orlando City Season Tickets, but I am just not the type of girl to play dirty so it was all short lived. The first home game in the new stadium was all my FB feed was about the countdown the players the celebrations. I knew it was going to be hard accepting that someone else was sitting in my seat, the seat we bought for our time together, but just like everything else she is very comfortable taking things that are mine. Side note: She will never, could never and does not have what it take to be me, to be anything like me, or compare to me. But that is what you need, because I was too strong, to opinionated, too smart, for your liking. I am a woman you need to mold her to be and think and act like you need her too, she is a child, a dumb pathetic child with daddy issues and low self esteem and that is what you thrive off on. So she can't take the man I made you in the residence I made our family home for us and she can play house with you and our daughter, because that is what children do, but let me tell you something what is mine I will get back. And you, were never mine so I don't expect you to come back. So as it got closer to opening day and it got harder to accept the current situation a sort of peace came over me, and I realized regardless of the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the disappointment, the hurt, the betrayal and set up. I was never going to be able to forgive you for this... For regifting my gift our future plans to someone we both know you really don't love, or want, you just can't get rid of her for a million reasons. That is bittersweet to me... She will hold you back and you have more to fear to lose with her than you ever did me. 

So on Saturday night I emailed you and I told you that I loved you and that I had thought that maybe by now that we would have gotten past this and that you have proven your point. And I promised to let you go, to let you be. And I hated having to say it because I, unlike you, mean what I say when I say it. 

You would think that would have been the end of it... That would have been our closure that should have been enough. I asked your step dad to have you leave me the divorce papers you told me on December 1 you had for me to sign on Monday, he didn't even know papers existed, but they did. And when I got to his house that night I quickly looked them over to see if they were filled out properly and that was when I saw it.. it wasn't that you had got our wedding date wrong.... I didn't catch that until today, it was the fact that you had our date of separation on some pages as July 31, 2016 and others as August 1, 2016... it made no sense to me... How is that possible??? We didn't have any problems until right before Labor Day.... You had DCF called out in the middle of September and I went to inpatient on September 21- September 23 for post partum and you were telling me in the parking lot that you loved me so much and just wanted me to get better and you were going to stick by me... You testified in court in September, October, November and January you were trying to save our marriage up until Halloween time. You stayed in a hotel with me for 5 days during the hurricane and you said we made progress..... You threw me out after I found someone else's face wash in our shower and questioned you again and you shoved a hamburger that I had made you for dinner down my through the and on smashed it on my face and punched me and told me you could no longer deal with my lack of trust and screamed at me that I was ruining our lives because you loved me so much and I was pushing you away we had sex the night before you had me leave... I don't understand if all that is true if everything I thought and claimed and believed was because I was crazy then how come your date of separation is 2 months before mine???? The last night I spent in the house with your was October 7, 2016 the last night I had spent in the house at all was October 8, 2016.  Why August 1??? I couldn't figure it out so I went through the texts, and my phone and my Facebook timeline.... And there it was.... It was the night of your Beef O' Bradys fantasy football draft when you told me Cam passed out and you got oral while he was... It was the fight of the fights... It was the next morning at 6 am I called your mom in hysterics because I knew you were cheating on me again... And I was pretty sure with someone from work. But no, everyone told me I was crazy you were a devoted husband and father they told me.... But there it was on Monday in your own handwriting.... The date... I just wish someone would have told me. No not someone I wish you would have told me. I wish you would have been the person I thought you were the person who knew I loved them so much nothing would have made me love them less or hurt them. But you weren't you were the person everyone else knew you to be.... A lying, cheating, disrespectful, narcissist. 

Best of luck to you,  I draw up the divorce documents myself and let you sign them... Don't worry I will still list you as the petitioner I mean you have done all this I wouldn't want to take your glory now... 

I would have rather been crazy than right...

From the beginning I knew you were a bad choice but I chose to come around anyway. And it sucks... everytime I would catch on to something youd say that I was crazy it was your go to. Ill never forget the first sign of evidence of you cheating it was a cigarette with lipstick on it in the drive way... I wasnt even looking for it. I just happened to be looking I down and there it was. Your excuse was someone must have come by while you were at work. And I looked at you and knowing that wasnt the case at all said "someone came by to smoke cigarettes in the driveway while you were at work?" And i told you that was the worst lie ever. Well you stepped your game up for sure after that... because it wasn't until 3 months later that i was going to the bathroom and on top of the garbage was8 toilet paper with eye makeup. You told me it was your friends girlfriends then changed it to oil. When i took a picture and posted it to Facebook i had never seen you so mad and it was the first time you ever convinced me I was crazy. It wasnt until 2 months later when i came by onel morning and her car was in the driveway. Then when she callled me and told me how proud you were of convincing me that i was crazy i realized i wasn't... well not about that. May it was crazy of me to stay after that, maybe that was and is the crazy part that I thought loving you unconditionally was the way to fix this all. Maybe it was crazy that I thought that would be enough for you to love me in your own way the only way you knew possible. I really thought that I had lucked out because anyone can say they will stay faithful but you were honest and said you didn't know if you could and I was honest and said I could accept that as long as I knew what I was dealing with. And we moved forward... so I thought... we moved in together, got married had our daughter after a devastating miscarriage. You always told me I didn't trust you... but look at all I gave up and what a leap of faith I took with you because I did. 

I don't know when exactly it started to fall apart... maybe it never came together the lies were always there and then you stopped going out... so maybe it was then that I thought it was coming together and maybe it was then that you consider it falling apart. I can only assume that part. But you were never truly happy with me I had let you down with who I was and you regretted choosing me that was always apparent. I told you it often, you denied it everytime. 

Hindsight being what it is gives me a lot of AHA moments. I picked up on things in mid July, I don't know when exactly it started but I will tell you when I think it did. You came home after your fantasy football draft and stood next to my side of the bed hysterical in tears I asked you what happened and you cried harder I said oh my god what did you do? You looked at me and stopped crying you made up some story that it was me and your best friends gf fault because we can't get a long that you and him don't see each other.... and I thought her and I work all day you and him don't this doesn't make sense. I asked you if you wanted me to snuggle up with you on the couch that night and you told me no to go to bed. I did. You didn't sleep in the bed that night... you didn't sleep in the bed much after that either...

We started fighting almost daily after this even through our vacation at Disney. I figured it was just you resenting me. Then during a fight in July you told me you no longer considered us together and there was no point in me wearing my wedding ring I sat in tears and said Im shocked you feel that way and you responded with your shocked that Im shocked. Your mom came into town that weekend and sat us down you said you wanted to try your actions and words said so much of the opposite. Look i wasnt perfect in this... our relationship took a toll on me. I had gained weight I knew you werent attracted to me, I knew you didnt want me. I looked for solace in things I probably shouldn't have especially after you gave me adderall... i remembered what it felt like to stay focused, awake, and not have an appetite. I fell down the rabbit hole, so I thought, but realistically you pushed me down the rabbit hole.

Its about the beginning of August, after Cam started school when I started noticing the weird things again. Your find my friends app was checking you into residences in Satellite Beach, when you claimed to be working late. You changed the passcode on your phone, root beers were being drank but you didnt even like root beer and you were the only one home. Our fights started to get violent you had choked me with a phone cord and when you did I saw the hatred in your eyes, I heard you talking to someone while I was supposedly sleeping, but youd claim they were the voices in my head.... I can proudly say because of you, and the inpatient facility and 4 psych evaluations you have had done on me.... THERE WERE NO VOICES IN MY HEAD. The one thing everyone can agree on is I never heard voices... I heard her.... I heard her say the one thing I was right about was that she was in love with you and the night before was perfect and the best night of her life I heard her say to you that she told Pat what happend I heard you yell at her I heard her tell you that she didnt think you could be faithful I heard you try and convince her that you could and would that i was the problem. I saw you having sex in my daughters bedroom while Nina cried in the living room, I saw her leave at 5 am that morning and you get up to go after her but found me waiting in the living room where you beat the hell out of me. I saw you on video in our bedroom getting your get hard pills and going out of the bedroom and coming back in and having sex not getting into bed and going to sleep. See you would spend months logging into my accounts and deleting "the evidence" but that didnt matter for 2 reasons 1. You cant take back what I saw and you cant take back what I heard 2. Every doctor will tell you Im not schizophrenic I dont hear voices or have hallucinations, and nor have I ever claimed to in any other situation. In fact most of the Drs I have seen have told me the only crazy thing about me was wanting to be with you.

You told me to stop looking that I wasnt going to like where it lead me. I took it more as a challenge than a warning. When we had stayed at the hotel for the hurricane I had thought maybe I had won you back little did I know HER had inherited a lot more than what I had to give you on her 25th birthday just 5 days prior. Our last fight came when I asked whos facewash was in the shower. You shoved a hamburger in my face tried to shove it down my throat and gave me a black eye you left and told me that was it to get out you were done. I fell to my knees begging for you not to do this. You left that day had the police remove me from the home that was legallly yours and I havent seen you outside of a courtroom filled with people that you have convinced Im the violent one, Im the crazy one and that I didnt deserve to be a mother.

Id like to blame you for all of that but its my own fault... I gave you the opportunity to make all this go this way. I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND ANYONE INCLUDING MYSELF. you knew that and you used that with my past, and postpartum to work in your favor. And instead of fighting for me for my children I kept fighting for us. I kept giving you the tools to use against me. I dont know if you ever loved me. I dont know if you are capable of love. I thought maybe you loved our daughter... but just like you have done to me you have done to her and thought with your penis first.

You fought to make sure I didnt have her but not so you did . Because she spends 5 nights away from you. But HER the 25 year old co worker friend who WE bought posters for at every game the girl who you told me was like you sister and had the body of a 10 year old boy she spends 7 nights a week with you not just the ones that you dont have Nina. She isnt your priority the girl you have in my bed is.

It has been almost 6 months since this has begun it has only been 4 that I have been out of the house... and not one day hasnt gone by that i have begged and pleaded with you to please talk to me to look at me in the eyes to accept that I still love you and want to be a family that I can and will and have forgiven you because I knew what you would do and who you are before i signed up for forever.

So today on what would have been our first wedding anniversary while you spend it with HER I will say just this I meant it when I said for better or worse... and I am sorry.

I am not violent, an addict, mentally unstable, nor am I schizophrenic and crazy. I am unconditionally in love with you and that is the only thing crazy about me.

My days are hard and harder... there is no easy

It's been a tough few months to say the very least... but this month will be the hardest I'm sure well the hardest since start of all this... I never imagined one year ago as we talked about marriage and bringing home our daughter, as we counted contractions and went to the hospital in hopes that maybe this was the day... it's a whole different story now...

I can't believe we won't be spending our 1st anniversary together I cant believe we are spending her first birthday apart having separate parties... so much has changed in the past year but most of all I have changed. And for the better...
When I realized what was going on between us I panicked. I never imagined it all falling apart  and I definitely wasn't prepared for it... but somewhere in between crying myself to sleeep and crying myself awake I found strrength...  I didn't notice it because it was so gradual...other people recognized it more than me... maybe it was because I still felt broken inside even as I write this I still feeel broken inside... but I still got up every morning I looked for jobs when I needed too and laid in bed paralyzed by the devastation as I looked at my life... some days I didn't know where I was going to start to rebuild, some days I didn't know if it was going to be possible to rebuild, and some days in the beginning, lots of days (and now they have become less) I didn't know if I wanted to rebuild. But not one day went by that I thought I wasn't going to rebuild... I had just still had hoped it would have been with you.
I get asked so much why would I want that with you? I guess in part because I'm a fighter and I loved you dearly and I loved and believed in what we had... the other part is because this isn't the life I want for her. What you don't see in this all is regardless of what you wanted regardless of what I did  we promised her more... we didn't break just our vows and the words we spoke to each other are more than empty promises and lies they were our oath to do our best as parents together for her... and now neither one of us are living up to our end of the bargain...

Maybe the days will get less hard maybe I'll start to feel less empty and more fulfilled.. I will no longer find peace in the fact that you are cheating on my Replacement but I will find peace isn't the fact that our lives though not married are just better this way... but it's not today today is one of the harder days... and tomorrow just looks harder... weeks ahead aren't going to get to be just hard days... but maybe after those harder days, harder weeks, and harder months maybe when it goes back to just being hard maybe then I will be able to find peace again... I don't know how you do it.. lay next to someone  else going through the motions it just makes me feel worse, emptier, hollow actually... but maybe that's just who I am now... maybe that's just another part of me you took...maybe that's another change in me because of you because of this...

So as Valentines Day, our anniversary, mine and our daughters birthday comes next week... maybe you'll think of me... but even if you don't.... I'll be thinking of you... and those are the hardest days.

To My Replacement 

 

To My Replacement... (My autocorrect calls you Ms. Death),

I have wanted to reach out to you, I couldn't find the right way to do so. I didn't want to seem intimidating(which some say I can be), didn't want to seem insecure (which I could see why some would say that), I didn't want to seem like a mean girl (because I'm not) nor did I want to seem crazy (like you are being told I am). So please accept my words as genuine and sincere. The reason I'm writing such a note that knowingly leaves me vulnerable and susceptible to criticism, when so many say you won't understand, is because no one ever told me what I'm about to tell you. I learned accountability and responsibility later in life and my regrets were deeper than need be, maybe if someone would have corrected me sooner I wouldn't have had to take on the burden my regrets brought. If you don't take what I have to say now save it for later...

I was 28, only 3 years older than you, when I started a "relationship" with someone who wasn't mine to start one with. He had a loving partner and child at home and although I never interfered with "her time" I constantly was interfering in "their life". I didn't realize it at the time but I was. Things had gotten too serious both between him and her and in a different way for him and I and at some point 9 months into it he called things off. It was weeks later I found out I was pregnant and we couldn't decide on what to do. If I was to keep the baby we would have to tell her if I didn't we wouldn't and the secret remained ours, and well everyone else who knew too. It was weeks after that when I received the phone call... I was at a Ruby Tuesday's in the mall in Newburgh, NY on an overnight when working as a flight attendant when I answered the phone, the conversation went something like this: 

Me: Hello
Her: Melissa? It's ---- his GF. You should know Iam leaving you can have him. You are nothing but a whore.

Me: Well I mean if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...Quack, Quack. (Sarcasm and humor was my defense mechanism) 

Her: silence

Me: Look I don't want you to leave, he loves you he doesn't love me. He needs you. I'm out of the picture. Please just stay, he will marry you, make this right and you will have this great life. Don't leave, please.

Her: Are you pregnant?

Me: Yes.

She hung up. I didn't blame her. I blamed me. The last 9 months as often as I thought of her I never thought about her. All the gripes and complaints he would tell me I ate them up and made excuses for what I was doing. They married in a quaint ceremony in Vegas two weeks later. And my karma came 3 weeks after that when I miscarried at 15 weeks on a plane from Charlotte, NC to Philadelphia. I don't know if they remembered or knew those details... But they named their first child Charlotte. 

It wasn't until 7 years later when I caught my then partner, soon to be and now husband, your boyfriend, cheating on me when I came by to tell him I was pregnant that I reached out to this woman from my past, I remember crying, apologizing over and over and she gave me some amazing advice after convincing me she had forgiven me long ago. Asking her how did she do it, how was she strong.                     

"If you are going to stay Melissa, you can't talk about it for at least a year" 

That sounded crazy, but easy... It wasn't easy at all though. Her and I talked everyday for weeks and she knew I wasn't going to get over it. No matter how much sense it made on just letting it go.... I wanted answers to the hard questions. That's what always gets me in trouble with him. 

I miscarried his and mine first baby together 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I was once again devastated... I miscarried in our bed on the side you now sleep, I passed the fetus in the bathroom you now use. He came home that Sunday night and held me, told me it was going to all be ok, he wasn't leaving me because I lost the baby we would try again and this time it (the fetus)wouldn't be "polluted" yes that was the description he used for our first child "the polluted fetus." But I, like you, thought he hung the moon and I believed I had changed him I "made him want to be a better man." So I accepted that he wasn't ridding himself of me, thanked God and felt blessed that we were pregnant again (with the help of fertility meds) in 5 weeks. We saved the rest of the fertility meds for our next  child... They should be in the bottom right hand drawer of "his dresser." Now you might think none of this has to do with you and for the most part you are right. But here's what does... At one point he loved me. He loved me enough to choose me. He loved me enough to marry me. And he loved me enough to have me as the mother of his child. I loved him enough to stay, listen, trust and love him back. Not so far from where your heart and feelings for him are today. I believed my love changed him. We had annual passes to Busch Gardens and went often, we went to Sea World,  vacationed at Disney, spent holidays with our  families. My children too fell in love with him, regardless of the bad we had a lot of good. Although our love story wasn't perfect it was ours and it felt real. Please let our story end before yours begins.

I think about you often, I wonder how you lay in my bed, sleep next to a closet still filled with my clothes, and are comfortable in the home we brought our daughter home from the hospital to. It was his bachelor pad that I made into our family home now it's just Nina's residence to me. I wonder why someone who is just 25 would want to take on the baggage of our legal issues, or even just the standard issues of a 41 year old married man who has his own personal issues, with an infant child and who has yet to file for divorce. I wonder why you don't respect me?  What awful things has he told you about me to convince you that this is ok? How is it justified? How can you not respect our daughter? Her home? My other children, his step children? How can you not respect yourself enough to say "I will step aside and wait for this to be over and done with and finalized before I get into a relationship with someone that has this going on? What's meant to be will be." I had hoped the novelty would wear off. I had hoped you'd see the error of your ways. I had hoped I would never have to confront this situation. People called me weak, people ask often how I deal with it. Others praise me for being the bigger person... I'm 4'11" I'm not the bigger person....

You want him he's yours, but my daughter isn't up for taking. With that being said put yourself in my shoes... (With a different last name obviously...) How would you feel? How would you handle it? He fell out of love with me... Yes that I am well aware of, I hate it but I have accepted it. But did he fall out of love with me and in love with you??? Is he doing this for you??? Maybe. But you were always an option why were you never before a choice? You were around when he cheated the first year... You were there when I miscarried our first child... Hell you were the waitress at our daughters baptism... You have been involved in our lives since day one....So why now? Why the rush? Why infiltrate yourself into such a complex and dramatic situation? You want me to accept you in my daughters life, be comfortable with you being around my her... Then set an example, be a role model. One whom I do not mind her looking up too. Eighteen  years is a long time to raise someone who won't, who can't, who may refuse to respect you. Not because of what I would say (because I don't knock the others to my children), not because her siblings will have opinions which her dad will try to convince her to believe otherwise... But because it's obvious that he chose you, and you made it a possible choice, and over not just me, his wife, her mother, but over her. Your happiness has become a priority over hers. I promise no child at any age would choose this. Put yourself in her position if you can't or refuse to see mine. People say "thank god the baby is too young to understand," well babies age... And one day she will be a woman, even worse a teenager... And she will comprehend... People make the same excuse for you. That you don't have the life experience to know better but I just say I don't think anyone told you to be better and allow this cycle to end before yours begins.  I am a big believer in if you knew better you'd do better... But then again I'm a big believer in teaching my children that we do not take what is not ours. Maybe it's because of my life experience... I am not the proverbial wife, but I am his wife, her mother and you can't replace me until I give up those titles. One of them isn't up for taking, and as for the other please wait your turn. 

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Fagan
Nina's mother/HIS wife             

P.S. I am sorry about the boundaries in this post... they too didn't get the memo....