I can't believe we won't be spending our 1st anniversary together I cant believe we are spending her first birthday apart having separate parties... so much has changed in the past year but most of all I have changed. And for the better...
When I realized what was going on between us I panicked. I never imagined it all falling apart and I definitely wasn't prepared for it... but somewhere in between crying myself to sleeep and crying myself awake I found strrength... I didn't notice it because it was so gradual...other people recognized it more than me... maybe it was because I still felt broken inside even as I write this I still feeel broken inside... but I still got up every morning I looked for jobs when I needed too and laid in bed paralyzed by the devastation as I looked at my life... some days I didn't know where I was going to start to rebuild, some days I didn't know if it was going to be possible to rebuild, and some days in the beginning, lots of days (and now they have become less) I didn't know if I wanted to rebuild. But not one day went by that I thought I wasn't going to rebuild... I had just still had hoped it would have been with you.
I get asked so much why would I want that with you? I guess in part because I'm a fighter and I loved you dearly and I loved and believed in what we had... the other part is because this isn't the life I want for her. What you don't see in this all is regardless of what you wanted regardless of what I did we promised her more... we didn't break just our vows and the words we spoke to each other are more than empty promises and lies they were our oath to do our best as parents together for her... and now neither one of us are living up to our end of the bargain...
Maybe the days will get less hard maybe I'll start to feel less empty and more fulfilled.. I will no longer find peace in the fact that you are cheating on my Replacement but I will find peace isn't the fact that our lives though not married are just better this way... but it's not today today is one of the harder days... and tomorrow just looks harder... weeks ahead aren't going to get to be just hard days... but maybe after those harder days, harder weeks, and harder months maybe when it goes back to just being hard maybe then I will be able to find peace again... I don't know how you do it.. lay next to someone else going through the motions it just makes me feel worse, emptier, hollow actually... but maybe that's just who I am now... maybe that's just another part of me you took...maybe that's another change in me because of you because of this...
So as Valentines Day, our anniversary, mine and our daughters birthday comes next week... maybe you'll think of me... but even if you don't.... I'll be thinking of you... and those are the hardest days.
When I realized what was going on between us I panicked. I never imagined it all falling apart and I definitely wasn't prepared for it... but somewhere in between crying myself to sleeep and crying myself awake I found strrength... I didn't notice it because it was so gradual...other people recognized it more than me... maybe it was because I still felt broken inside even as I write this I still feeel broken inside... but I still got up every morning I looked for jobs when I needed too and laid in bed paralyzed by the devastation as I looked at my life... some days I didn't know where I was going to start to rebuild, some days I didn't know if it was going to be possible to rebuild, and some days in the beginning, lots of days (and now they have become less) I didn't know if I wanted to rebuild. But not one day went by that I thought I wasn't going to rebuild... I had just still had hoped it would have been with you.
I get asked so much why would I want that with you? I guess in part because I'm a fighter and I loved you dearly and I loved and believed in what we had... the other part is because this isn't the life I want for her. What you don't see in this all is regardless of what you wanted regardless of what I did we promised her more... we didn't break just our vows and the words we spoke to each other are more than empty promises and lies they were our oath to do our best as parents together for her... and now neither one of us are living up to our end of the bargain...
Maybe the days will get less hard maybe I'll start to feel less empty and more fulfilled.. I will no longer find peace in the fact that you are cheating on my Replacement but I will find peace isn't the fact that our lives though not married are just better this way... but it's not today today is one of the harder days... and tomorrow just looks harder... weeks ahead aren't going to get to be just hard days... but maybe after those harder days, harder weeks, and harder months maybe when it goes back to just being hard maybe then I will be able to find peace again... I don't know how you do it.. lay next to someone else going through the motions it just makes me feel worse, emptier, hollow actually... but maybe that's just who I am now... maybe that's just another part of me you took...maybe that's another change in me because of you because of this...
So as Valentines Day, our anniversary, mine and our daughters birthday comes next week... maybe you'll think of me... but even if you don't.... I'll be thinking of you... and those are the hardest days.
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