The first week we can call Hell Week. Between Valentines Day, our Anniversary and my and our Daughters birthday it was a hard one to deal with and accept that we couldn't have those first and such together. Some days I cried, some days I didn't move and all of the days I wished I could fix it. Fix you. I have fixed me. How do I fix you?
I had big hopes for the week after Hell week. It was supposed to be my moment to pull myself up from my boot straps and get it together. Then I got word of the offset and that I wouldn't be getting the $ I thought I would in order to finally get a place and no longer stay on people's couches, or air mattresses or floors like I had for the past 5 months. So I again lost hope... I couldn't blame you on this one.... It was just another my kind of luck situations. But by the grace of an Angel, my grandmother, it all worked out and I was able to secure a home with in 24 hours and move in within 72. I had done it. I had made it through the hardest part.... And in the back of my head I worried what you were going to do now that I had overcome this hurdle... I feared that... Then in another part a very little part somewhere that is the stupid part of my head thought maybe you'd just be proud that I did it, maybe you'd see that I was a fighter and stronger than you gave me credit for and maybe just maybe you'd remember why you fell in love with me in the first place. Stupid part of my head. Hopeless Romantic some will call it, I call it stupid fucking girl part. You tried your hardest to make the move harder and even tried cancelling it. I had to beg and plead with you to let me take my stuff and leave. I think my favorite part was when you said I couldn't come with Police and your mother but I would have to come when you were home and you would have the police protect you, Hayley and Nina, well that makes no sense if you were so scared of me isn't the safest way to do it is to not be around each other at all?
Does anyone still buy this crap that you're the victim and I am the perpetrator? I mean I have slapped you when you have called me names, and yes you have had scratches on you from me trying to defend myself. But you are the one who strangled me with the phone cord and pulled it so tight around my neck that it broke, you are the one who left a 3 inch scar from a stab wound on my leg when I found her in the house at 5 am that Sunday I am the one who has scars on her hands from fighting to keep you off me, I am the one who you "almost drove off the rode to kill us", but you didn't because SHE deserves you, I now know it wasn't Nina you were talking about that night. I am the one you threw her purse out of the car and I refused to get out to get it and had to have a friend drive from our home in IHB to Cocoa to get it because I knew if I got out of that car to get it you were going to hit me and kill me. I have the voice recordings of you saying it. My friends have the voice recordings, my friends friends have them. We have the pictures. My children have the memories. But I stayed. I tried to accept all the blame. I can't complain about them sheltering my children from me because there is one thing that is the honest truth in those documents. I didn't put them first. I subjected them to the fights to the abuse to the toxic relationship. I sent them away to try and fight FOR us, when I should have walked away I loved you more than I loved them. And that is not what a mother is supposed to do. My fear of failing my fear of allowing Nina to be brought up by the person you really are when no one holds you accountable or gives you a reason to be better those fears made me not do the right thing. But that's not something me and my other children have to worry about anymore. Because that is our past.... Although the even after the immediate move I just wanted you. I never denied that there is definitely something wrong with me and if anything is crazy is that I still love and miss you.... But it's getting easier... And I have accepted it.
You probably don't know this but I intercepted the delivery of our Orlando City Season Tickets, but I am just not the type of girl to play dirty so it was all short lived. The first home game in the new stadium was all my FB feed was about the countdown the players the celebrations. I knew it was going to be hard accepting that someone else was sitting in my seat, the seat we bought for our time together, but just like everything else she is very comfortable taking things that are mine. Side note: She will never, could never and does not have what it take to be me, to be anything like me, or compare to me. But that is what you need, because I was too strong, to opinionated, too smart, for your liking. I am a woman you need to mold her to be and think and act like you need her too, she is a child, a dumb pathetic child with daddy issues and low self esteem and that is what you thrive off on. So she can't take the man I made you in the residence I made our family home for us and she can play house with you and our daughter, because that is what children do, but let me tell you something what is mine I will get back. And you, were never mine so I don't expect you to come back. So as it got closer to opening day and it got harder to accept the current situation a sort of peace came over me, and I realized regardless of the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the disappointment, the hurt, the betrayal and set up. I was never going to be able to forgive you for this... For regifting my gift our future plans to someone we both know you really don't love, or want, you just can't get rid of her for a million reasons. That is bittersweet to me... She will hold you back and you have more to fear to lose with her than you ever did me.
So on Saturday night I emailed you and I told you that I loved you and that I had thought that maybe by now that we would have gotten past this and that you have proven your point. And I promised to let you go, to let you be. And I hated having to say it because I, unlike you, mean what I say when I say it.
You would think that would have been the end of it... That would have been our closure that should have been enough. I asked your step dad to have you leave me the divorce papers you told me on December 1 you had for me to sign on Monday, he didn't even know papers existed, but they did. And when I got to his house that night I quickly looked them over to see if they were filled out properly and that was when I saw it.. it wasn't that you had got our wedding date wrong.... I didn't catch that until today, it was the fact that you had our date of separation on some pages as July 31, 2016 and others as August 1, 2016... it made no sense to me... How is that possible??? We didn't have any problems until right before Labor Day.... You had DCF called out in the middle of September and I went to inpatient on September 21- September 23 for post partum and you were telling me in the parking lot that you loved me so much and just wanted me to get better and you were going to stick by me... You testified in court in September, October, November and January you were trying to save our marriage up until Halloween time. You stayed in a hotel with me for 5 days during the hurricane and you said we made progress..... You threw me out after I found someone else's face wash in our shower and questioned you again and you shoved a hamburger that I had made you for dinner down my through the and on smashed it on my face and punched me and told me you could no longer deal with my lack of trust and screamed at me that I was ruining our lives because you loved me so much and I was pushing you away we had sex the night before you had me leave... I don't understand if all that is true if everything I thought and claimed and believed was because I was crazy then how come your date of separation is 2 months before mine???? The last night I spent in the house with your was October 7, 2016 the last night I had spent in the house at all was October 8, 2016. Why August 1??? I couldn't figure it out so I went through the texts, and my phone and my Facebook timeline.... And there it was.... It was the night of your Beef O' Bradys fantasy football draft when you told me Cam passed out and you got oral while he was... It was the fight of the fights... It was the next morning at 6 am I called your mom in hysterics because I knew you were cheating on me again... And I was pretty sure with someone from work. But no, everyone told me I was crazy you were a devoted husband and father they told me.... But there it was on Monday in your own handwriting.... The date... I just wish someone would have told me. No not someone I wish you would have told me. I wish you would have been the person I thought you were the person who knew I loved them so much nothing would have made me love them less or hurt them. But you weren't you were the person everyone else knew you to be.... A lying, cheating, disrespectful, narcissist.
Best of luck to you, I draw up the divorce documents myself and let you sign them... Don't worry I will still list you as the petitioner I mean you have done all this I wouldn't want to take your glory now...
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