I would have rather been crazy than right...

From the beginning I knew you were a bad choice but I chose to come around anyway. And it sucks... everytime I would catch on to something youd say that I was crazy it was your go to. Ill never forget the first sign of evidence of you cheating it was a cigarette with lipstick on it in the drive way... I wasnt even looking for it. I just happened to be looking I down and there it was. Your excuse was someone must have come by while you were at work. And I looked at you and knowing that wasnt the case at all said "someone came by to smoke cigarettes in the driveway while you were at work?" And i told you that was the worst lie ever. Well you stepped your game up for sure after that... because it wasn't until 3 months later that i was going to the bathroom and on top of the garbage was8 toilet paper with eye makeup. You told me it was your friends girlfriends then changed it to oil. When i took a picture and posted it to Facebook i had never seen you so mad and it was the first time you ever convinced me I was crazy. It wasnt until 2 months later when i came by onel morning and her car was in the driveway. Then when she callled me and told me how proud you were of convincing me that i was crazy i realized i wasn't... well not about that. May it was crazy of me to stay after that, maybe that was and is the crazy part that I thought loving you unconditionally was the way to fix this all. Maybe it was crazy that I thought that would be enough for you to love me in your own way the only way you knew possible. I really thought that I had lucked out because anyone can say they will stay faithful but you were honest and said you didn't know if you could and I was honest and said I could accept that as long as I knew what I was dealing with. And we moved forward... so I thought... we moved in together, got married had our daughter after a devastating miscarriage. You always told me I didn't trust you... but look at all I gave up and what a leap of faith I took with you because I did. 

I don't know when exactly it started to fall apart... maybe it never came together the lies were always there and then you stopped going out... so maybe it was then that I thought it was coming together and maybe it was then that you consider it falling apart. I can only assume that part. But you were never truly happy with me I had let you down with who I was and you regretted choosing me that was always apparent. I told you it often, you denied it everytime. 

Hindsight being what it is gives me a lot of AHA moments. I picked up on things in mid July, I don't know when exactly it started but I will tell you when I think it did. You came home after your fantasy football draft and stood next to my side of the bed hysterical in tears I asked you what happened and you cried harder I said oh my god what did you do? You looked at me and stopped crying you made up some story that it was me and your best friends gf fault because we can't get a long that you and him don't see each other.... and I thought her and I work all day you and him don't this doesn't make sense. I asked you if you wanted me to snuggle up with you on the couch that night and you told me no to go to bed. I did. You didn't sleep in the bed that night... you didn't sleep in the bed much after that either...

We started fighting almost daily after this even through our vacation at Disney. I figured it was just you resenting me. Then during a fight in July you told me you no longer considered us together and there was no point in me wearing my wedding ring I sat in tears and said Im shocked you feel that way and you responded with your shocked that Im shocked. Your mom came into town that weekend and sat us down you said you wanted to try your actions and words said so much of the opposite. Look i wasnt perfect in this... our relationship took a toll on me. I had gained weight I knew you werent attracted to me, I knew you didnt want me. I looked for solace in things I probably shouldn't have especially after you gave me adderall... i remembered what it felt like to stay focused, awake, and not have an appetite. I fell down the rabbit hole, so I thought, but realistically you pushed me down the rabbit hole.

Its about the beginning of August, after Cam started school when I started noticing the weird things again. Your find my friends app was checking you into residences in Satellite Beach, when you claimed to be working late. You changed the passcode on your phone, root beers were being drank but you didnt even like root beer and you were the only one home. Our fights started to get violent you had choked me with a phone cord and when you did I saw the hatred in your eyes, I heard you talking to someone while I was supposedly sleeping, but youd claim they were the voices in my head.... I can proudly say because of you, and the inpatient facility and 4 psych evaluations you have had done on me.... THERE WERE NO VOICES IN MY HEAD. The one thing everyone can agree on is I never heard voices... I heard her.... I heard her say the one thing I was right about was that she was in love with you and the night before was perfect and the best night of her life I heard her say to you that she told Pat what happend I heard you yell at her I heard her tell you that she didnt think you could be faithful I heard you try and convince her that you could and would that i was the problem. I saw you having sex in my daughters bedroom while Nina cried in the living room, I saw her leave at 5 am that morning and you get up to go after her but found me waiting in the living room where you beat the hell out of me. I saw you on video in our bedroom getting your get hard pills and going out of the bedroom and coming back in and having sex not getting into bed and going to sleep. See you would spend months logging into my accounts and deleting "the evidence" but that didnt matter for 2 reasons 1. You cant take back what I saw and you cant take back what I heard 2. Every doctor will tell you Im not schizophrenic I dont hear voices or have hallucinations, and nor have I ever claimed to in any other situation. In fact most of the Drs I have seen have told me the only crazy thing about me was wanting to be with you.

You told me to stop looking that I wasnt going to like where it lead me. I took it more as a challenge than a warning. When we had stayed at the hotel for the hurricane I had thought maybe I had won you back little did I know HER had inherited a lot more than what I had to give you on her 25th birthday just 5 days prior. Our last fight came when I asked whos facewash was in the shower. You shoved a hamburger in my face tried to shove it down my throat and gave me a black eye you left and told me that was it to get out you were done. I fell to my knees begging for you not to do this. You left that day had the police remove me from the home that was legallly yours and I havent seen you outside of a courtroom filled with people that you have convinced Im the violent one, Im the crazy one and that I didnt deserve to be a mother.

Id like to blame you for all of that but its my own fault... I gave you the opportunity to make all this go this way. I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND ANYONE INCLUDING MYSELF. you knew that and you used that with my past, and postpartum to work in your favor. And instead of fighting for me for my children I kept fighting for us. I kept giving you the tools to use against me. I dont know if you ever loved me. I dont know if you are capable of love. I thought maybe you loved our daughter... but just like you have done to me you have done to her and thought with your penis first.

You fought to make sure I didnt have her but not so you did . Because she spends 5 nights away from you. But HER the 25 year old co worker friend who WE bought posters for at every game the girl who you told me was like you sister and had the body of a 10 year old boy she spends 7 nights a week with you not just the ones that you dont have Nina. She isnt your priority the girl you have in my bed is.

It has been almost 6 months since this has begun it has only been 4 that I have been out of the house... and not one day hasnt gone by that i have begged and pleaded with you to please talk to me to look at me in the eyes to accept that I still love you and want to be a family that I can and will and have forgiven you because I knew what you would do and who you are before i signed up for forever.

So today on what would have been our first wedding anniversary while you spend it with HER I will say just this I meant it when I said for better or worse... and I am sorry.

I am not violent, an addict, mentally unstable, nor am I schizophrenic and crazy. I am unconditionally in love with you and that is the only thing crazy about me.