To My Replacement 

 

To My Replacement... (My autocorrect calls you Ms. Death),

I have wanted to reach out to you, I couldn't find the right way to do so. I didn't want to seem intimidating(which some say I can be), didn't want to seem insecure (which I could see why some would say that), I didn't want to seem like a mean girl (because I'm not) nor did I want to seem crazy (like you are being told I am). So please accept my words as genuine and sincere. The reason I'm writing such a note that knowingly leaves me vulnerable and susceptible to criticism, when so many say you won't understand, is because no one ever told me what I'm about to tell you. I learned accountability and responsibility later in life and my regrets were deeper than need be, maybe if someone would have corrected me sooner I wouldn't have had to take on the burden my regrets brought. If you don't take what I have to say now save it for later...

I was 28, only 3 years older than you, when I started a "relationship" with someone who wasn't mine to start one with. He had a loving partner and child at home and although I never interfered with "her time" I constantly was interfering in "their life". I didn't realize it at the time but I was. Things had gotten too serious both between him and her and in a different way for him and I and at some point 9 months into it he called things off. It was weeks later I found out I was pregnant and we couldn't decide on what to do. If I was to keep the baby we would have to tell her if I didn't we wouldn't and the secret remained ours, and well everyone else who knew too. It was weeks after that when I received the phone call... I was at a Ruby Tuesday's in the mall in Newburgh, NY on an overnight when working as a flight attendant when I answered the phone, the conversation went something like this: 

Me: Hello
Her: Melissa? It's ---- his GF. You should know Iam leaving you can have him. You are nothing but a whore.

Me: Well I mean if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...Quack, Quack. (Sarcasm and humor was my defense mechanism) 

Her: silence

Me: Look I don't want you to leave, he loves you he doesn't love me. He needs you. I'm out of the picture. Please just stay, he will marry you, make this right and you will have this great life. Don't leave, please.

Her: Are you pregnant?

Me: Yes.

She hung up. I didn't blame her. I blamed me. The last 9 months as often as I thought of her I never thought about her. All the gripes and complaints he would tell me I ate them up and made excuses for what I was doing. They married in a quaint ceremony in Vegas two weeks later. And my karma came 3 weeks after that when I miscarried at 15 weeks on a plane from Charlotte, NC to Philadelphia. I don't know if they remembered or knew those details... But they named their first child Charlotte. 

It wasn't until 7 years later when I caught my then partner, soon to be and now husband, your boyfriend, cheating on me when I came by to tell him I was pregnant that I reached out to this woman from my past, I remember crying, apologizing over and over and she gave me some amazing advice after convincing me she had forgiven me long ago. Asking her how did she do it, how was she strong.                     

"If you are going to stay Melissa, you can't talk about it for at least a year" 

That sounded crazy, but easy... It wasn't easy at all though. Her and I talked everyday for weeks and she knew I wasn't going to get over it. No matter how much sense it made on just letting it go.... I wanted answers to the hard questions. That's what always gets me in trouble with him. 

I miscarried his and mine first baby together 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I was once again devastated... I miscarried in our bed on the side you now sleep, I passed the fetus in the bathroom you now use. He came home that Sunday night and held me, told me it was going to all be ok, he wasn't leaving me because I lost the baby we would try again and this time it (the fetus)wouldn't be "polluted" yes that was the description he used for our first child "the polluted fetus." But I, like you, thought he hung the moon and I believed I had changed him I "made him want to be a better man." So I accepted that he wasn't ridding himself of me, thanked God and felt blessed that we were pregnant again (with the help of fertility meds) in 5 weeks. We saved the rest of the fertility meds for our next  child... They should be in the bottom right hand drawer of "his dresser." Now you might think none of this has to do with you and for the most part you are right. But here's what does... At one point he loved me. He loved me enough to choose me. He loved me enough to marry me. And he loved me enough to have me as the mother of his child. I loved him enough to stay, listen, trust and love him back. Not so far from where your heart and feelings for him are today. I believed my love changed him. We had annual passes to Busch Gardens and went often, we went to Sea World,  vacationed at Disney, spent holidays with our  families. My children too fell in love with him, regardless of the bad we had a lot of good. Although our love story wasn't perfect it was ours and it felt real. Please let our story end before yours begins.

I think about you often, I wonder how you lay in my bed, sleep next to a closet still filled with my clothes, and are comfortable in the home we brought our daughter home from the hospital to. It was his bachelor pad that I made into our family home now it's just Nina's residence to me. I wonder why someone who is just 25 would want to take on the baggage of our legal issues, or even just the standard issues of a 41 year old married man who has his own personal issues, with an infant child and who has yet to file for divorce. I wonder why you don't respect me?  What awful things has he told you about me to convince you that this is ok? How is it justified? How can you not respect our daughter? Her home? My other children, his step children? How can you not respect yourself enough to say "I will step aside and wait for this to be over and done with and finalized before I get into a relationship with someone that has this going on? What's meant to be will be." I had hoped the novelty would wear off. I had hoped you'd see the error of your ways. I had hoped I would never have to confront this situation. People called me weak, people ask often how I deal with it. Others praise me for being the bigger person... I'm 4'11" I'm not the bigger person....

You want him he's yours, but my daughter isn't up for taking. With that being said put yourself in my shoes... (With a different last name obviously...) How would you feel? How would you handle it? He fell out of love with me... Yes that I am well aware of, I hate it but I have accepted it. But did he fall out of love with me and in love with you??? Is he doing this for you??? Maybe. But you were always an option why were you never before a choice? You were around when he cheated the first year... You were there when I miscarried our first child... Hell you were the waitress at our daughters baptism... You have been involved in our lives since day one....So why now? Why the rush? Why infiltrate yourself into such a complex and dramatic situation? You want me to accept you in my daughters life, be comfortable with you being around my her... Then set an example, be a role model. One whom I do not mind her looking up too. Eighteen  years is a long time to raise someone who won't, who can't, who may refuse to respect you. Not because of what I would say (because I don't knock the others to my children), not because her siblings will have opinions which her dad will try to convince her to believe otherwise... But because it's obvious that he chose you, and you made it a possible choice, and over not just me, his wife, her mother, but over her. Your happiness has become a priority over hers. I promise no child at any age would choose this. Put yourself in her position if you can't or refuse to see mine. People say "thank god the baby is too young to understand," well babies age... And one day she will be a woman, even worse a teenager... And she will comprehend... People make the same excuse for you. That you don't have the life experience to know better but I just say I don't think anyone told you to be better and allow this cycle to end before yours begins.  I am a big believer in if you knew better you'd do better... But then again I'm a big believer in teaching my children that we do not take what is not ours. Maybe it's because of my life experience... I am not the proverbial wife, but I am his wife, her mother and you can't replace me until I give up those titles. One of them isn't up for taking, and as for the other please wait your turn. 

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Fagan
Nina's mother/HIS wife             

P.S. I am sorry about the boundaries in this post... they too didn't get the memo....