I have realized this will define me, forever. No matter how may people that can testify to the contrary beliefs of Chad and his “side” believe to be true, his words will be the words that I am known for... it sucks. He is the convicted felon with a history of drug charges, not me. I guess the truth of the matter is I never had a “drug problem” until I married a “drug dealer”. But none of that matters, his past is irrevelant, his current situation doesn’t matter much either, he is and will always be the non offending parent. My daughter when I visit tends to have dirty feet, dropped off in socks only, and a size too small diapers. I get it, she’s a toddler, toddlers get dirty and messy.... but no matter how many outfits I purchase or diapers I bring, they are not used. My offers are refused, often returned or donated, because he wants her to have nothing from me. But “they” tell me, over and over, that he is a “great” father and his companion is a “good person,” I disagree. But then again “they” say I am the sick one, unfit.
His attorney told me I burned my bridges with people from his “camp.” Well, let me say that I am sorry. But we didn’t stay on the same campgrounds before and I am pretty sure his “camp” has been told things and has not known me for more than 3 years, their opinions are biased and based onthe behavior of a mother dealing with postpartum depression, 2 on going custody cases and threats, while being in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. In other words, some bridges need to be burned to assure one doesn’t cross back over them.
When I think about my children my heart hurts, actual pain hits me. I wish I could explain it, and anyone who has truly lost someone can understand. But I lost not someone but everyone. “Because of my issues” that’s what his attorney said.... “my issues” were postpartum depression with a husband who antagonized me and abused me to the point of breaking down. I will admit it, he made me feel worthless, I worried how I would survive, I didn’t think I could. But I have, I will. I want answers, but he’s a coward and he won’t answer them, in fact he won’t look at me or speak to me. He wants things from me I can’t give him and I want things from him he won’t give me. If I lose this case it’s not for lack of trying.... I won’t give up. Because regardless of what kind of mother others are convinced I am, I would want my children to figh and not coward down. If you know me, or know of me please know this.... the question really isn’t how did I let this happen the REAL question is how did “THEY”?
If you sleep next to him, work with him, love him or are cordial with him...if you coexist with him... ask yourself this... or even better, ask him. Why is his date of separation June, no calls of concern were mad until September, I went on medication for postpartum in April. In September, he stood in front of a judge and said “All I want is for my wife to get healthy and better and I want nothing more than for our marriage and family to improve.” So why June? Why did he give up on me in 3 weeks? Why did he move on in 4 weeks? Why did I buy his now “companion” presents for 2 years? Why could she never look me in the eyes? Why is there a picture on Facebook of his ex “roommate’s” dog on my blanket, on my couch, dated during my voluntary baker-act to make myself better for him? Why is he able to go to 15 soccer games, 5 concerts, and 3 overnight vacations without our child? Why is there $20,000 in credit card debt, in a years time, but none show the household bills and he gets state assistance? Why is their marital credit card debt in my name when I have never had a credit card? More importantly why can I not see the credit card statements? Why is there a waiver of breach in the documents he tells me to “sign or else?”
But the one question I truly have and everyone should as well is.... how did he allow this to happen? Not just to me, but our daughter, my children and our families. Why when I fell did he not help me up but pushed me down? As for his “good person” companion, I have one question for you... why do you let him, why do you not require him to be a better person? That’s what he used to tell me was the reason he loved me. I am guessing your “assets” and allowance trumped my love and intolerance. Co-dependency comes in many forms. Some choose drugs, others chose alcohol or gambling, other they chose people. I am not less of a person, I just had a different vice.
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