It’s harder than Christmas for someone like me. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am blessed for what I do have like visits and contact with my children. Because as we all know, he’d take that away if he could too. But, it’s hardest not getting the presents made in school from the kids, not having them bring me breakfast in bed, not hearing the silly “mom” Poems and stories, not hearing the simplistic statement “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.” I take my responsibility in my current situation. It wasn’t just him who hurt me and my family. My bad decisions and ultimate choices to ignore my instincts and believe in someone I was convinced was greater than me (him) and something bigger than my instincts (love) hold plenty of accountability. What’s the saying? “The only time I have ever been wrong is when I doubted myself.” All the acceptance of blame and apologies, do not change today. Tomorrow isn’t looking like much of a change either.
It’s hard being a mom without her children. It’s harder being called a “bad mother” and questioned on the “real reasons” my lack of custody exists.... why ask? Everyone seems to know the answers. I was crazy. I was Violent. I was addicted to drugs. I was abusive. I was out of control. I know, I have heard all the reasons you have told me repeatedly. Sadly, those reasons I would understand. Those reasons I could accept. The true reasons that I hear regularly are these “it doesn’t matter what the truth was now Melissa it is what it is,” and “sometimes life isn’t fair Melissa, just deal with it.” The truth is, I lived in fear and hoped to be crazy more than right. Unfortunately no matter how hard I tried, all signs pointed to right, and the more I realized I was right, the easier he was able to convince US all I was crazy. It was panic, not insanity. The difference between being scared of someone and saying you are scared of someone isn’t always apparent to those on the outside. I can’t say it enough or loud enough.... he will always be able to convince others of his side, he is a liar, manipulator and a narcissist, he will always win with his charm over my honesty.
So today, on most mothers’, Mother’s Day, I will spend it with one of my 4 children. The one child never taken from my custody. The one I have never had a supervised visits with. The one who tells me every visit “you are the best mommy, I don’t know why they don’t know that.” I will sit by my phone in hopes at the older children will call. Knowing one will eventually, the other will probably not because she is also convinced and angry like so many others. I will hope that my husband, yes still, will allow me and my son time today to see the baby. I will hope that my Father-in-Law will make the time to supervise the visit. As my son reminded me, Mother’s Day and my Birthday are the only 2 days that he sees his sister. I will hold my breath that today, aside from giving the adolescent, entitled and raised by trash mistress turned girlfriend a “not really but I’ll call you it and you will gladly accept and gloat” Mother’s Day present, and celebrate at a soccer game, where they will pretend in public in addition to social media, that she is his wife, and a mother; and grandma spends her day enjoying, loving and caring for our daughter... that someone will acknowledge me as her mom. It is doubtful, but all I can do is hope.
For someone who is a horrible mom, one not to be trusted or involved in her children’s life. I will spend my Mother’s Day, remembering what it felt like to be a mom. A real full-time, exhausted, but grateful mom with children in her home. I will look at old Mother’s Day projects, and cry, remembering how good I believed I was at the role God blessed me to be to these 4 beautiful beings. I will still sit on the floor for whatever time I am allowed on Monday and Tuesday nights, while my daughter says I love you, and calls me momma, knowing, that all that word is to her is a name, not a meaning instead of Melissa, I am momma. I will call my son every night at 8:05 to ask about his day, instead of tucking him into bed like I used too. I will email my second born telling her I miss her every Wednesday even though it’s been a year and a half since she opened the last one. I will wait for my 19 year old to have a minute aside from working, living and being 19 to call to make plans with me and not cancel, just because she’s 19, lol. They say that being a mom is all about effort and can be a sacrifice that no other knows....I may not have been able to keep my children, may have not been able to keep the daily rewards of being on their lives like the traditional mother I was. But I will still do whatever I can to be their mom in any capacity I can. On my remember that time I was a Mom, Mother’s Day, I hope you know and they do too, that I still am their Mom.
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