DEAR JUDGE: A plea on my behalf of myself and my children...

Dear Judge,

I am asking that this case be closed. With respect to all parties, agencies and court officers involved in this case, I must state that some of them, especially those advocates that are to be looking out for my childrens best interest, have failed me, and even more so them.  Especially my one year old  daughter and 4 year old son.

When my marriage and home life became hostile and violent I had sent my other children to stay with family and/ or friends, so they wouldnt be subjected to the discord. And when DCF first came to our house it wasn't because of any of the reasons Im on a case plan for, it was because I had caught my husband cheating on me on video in my 16 year old daughters bed, while our infant child was partially strapped in her car seat in our living room. I know because that was the situation when I came home from work that day.  I remember a wave of relief when DCFshowed up and was getting involved. That was short winded. I was improperly diagnosed and on the wrong meds for post partum but under a drs continuous care. My husband had become distant, mean, verbally and emotionally and eventually physically abusive.  I had caught him having an affair, only one, of the many I now know about, but he denied it all.  He was able to use my post partum, past and most of all my emotional attachment to him, our family and our marriage to his advantage. He knew my reactions... he set me up. The day of the video that turned this situation around to go in his favor,  he had taunted me all morning just like he did before our marriage counseling appointments. It would make me seem erratic and over emotional almost to the point of psychotic because I was so hurt and defensive.  He said he was watching a sex video of himself and saying things like "Id never do that with you" to me. I asked for the phone. He refused. I demanded the phone he laughed at me.  I saw him switching from view to record. But I didn't stop.. as he put the phone in my face I slapped it away, while our daughter, then only 7 months was in my arms. Thats when he said "you scratched my face!" I immediately denied it because it wasn't true. He put down the phone and looked at me and in my eyes said "oh that was good, that was really good... who do I give it to first? The police? Dcf? Or your psychiatrist?" I cried, I asked him why would he do this? Why would he want that? And he laughed at me as he stood in the driveway, and said are you kidding?? Why wouldnt I? You're outta here. The rest is there in my court docs. That was the start of my shelter case. I tried telling everyone but no one with in the system believed me. He was cool as a cucumber in their presence I was not.  When they told me about the sheltering I asked how long it would take i was told 3-6 months. I cried. I knew my husband would not stand by me for that long, hindsight being 20/20 he had already left. You will see in my file that the case plan and terms I was intially presented with is no where near what i had signed up for. It was only about the 2 weeks before my husband band me from our home and my inlaws. It was about 2 weeks after this started that i found myself homeless.  I got a job, informed the case manager Kim Reites of it. I then received an email saying that the job had to let me go. Turns out Ms. Reites told them all of the accusations against me. I commuted from south Florida to Brevard to try to have visits with Nina at least once a week. I would call Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and receive a call on Friday saying there was no availability. Something wasn't right. When i did have a visit supervised by Ms. Reites she would tell me how my husband is hiring an attorney and having me served divorce papers, it seemed odd. On December 1st i dropped my phone and had to reset it. When i did it gave me 2 options for a restore from back up. I knew that one was my husbands, but i restored it. Upon doing so I found out the truth about it all. How he had set me up, his affairs, the sex hook up websites, his girlfriend Hayley, and of course his personal and sexual relationship with our Case Manager, Ms. Reites. Amongst the emails was one promising to drag this case out. Which explained why now 7 weeks into it i had received no referrals, no replacement supervisors and i hadn't seen my daughter in 5 weeks.  I went to A supervisor at Impower, I wrote complaints to Orlando and Tallahassee. I had told Ms. Reites about his gf she said I was wrong. That was when the GAL Laura Weiss told Impower that I may be right. That Friday Kim Reites went and confronted my husband and had a hard time accepting that there was in fact an girls friend. By Monday Saundra Thomas was my new case manager. This came as a relief to me, however it then occurred to me we had just wasted 4 months. Prior to Ms. Reites leaving her position she did notify my then current job of the ongoing situation, accusations and concerns of me. I was terminated from that position as well. I then came back to Brevard County, under the assumption this would help my case. The process had finally begun, but the time lost due to the inappropriate and unprofessional manner which my case was handle with up to this point was just a loss to me. My passed, clean, only prescribed meds that Ms Reites had called me to the Impower Office to take were missing. None of my additional supervisors were processed, but my husband had several people approved in a weeks time. It became very frustrating but I carried on. I continued visits with Impower supervisors, I went to weekly Aspire counseling sessions, I secured a job, a home. And I knew my prescribed meds were giving me false positives and that would be explained in due time. 

Then after I had done all that I was denied home visits, I was told I wouldn't be having an end to the process in May. That this would continue... it was then I realized I would never make it out of this process. It was roadblock after roadblock and my husband was going to fight me tooth and nail until I defaulted the case to him and gave up all my rights in family court. But at this point, at this stage of it all... I had a 4 year old little boy who wanted to stay with me, who didn't understand why him and his sisters couldn't be home with me, and why his stepdad wouldn't want to see him. I then decided I would no longer sacrifice myself or my other children for this case or case plan.  Then came the next conundrum.... if I defaulted I would have a very hard time ever winning back my custody of my son. Right now my son is living with his father and although he is a good father he is not providing a healthy household. My son has witnessed abuse, drug use and alcoholic rages. He deserves better. Please allow me to do that. 

I have admittedly used illicit drugs. But no drug that I have ever done did I not do with my husband, and my sons father has a drug trafficking charge on his record. The only difference is I owned my shortcomings.  

With that being said, Your Honor, I am a good mother I have not always been a great person but I have consistently been a good mother. I have four children from ages 18-1 and I love them all very much. I didn't want this case plan I wanted to go to trial but I was granted a Regional 5 Counsel who reminded me that I was one of a 100 cases on her desk and she did not have time for a trial. I know where I went wrong and it wasn't smacking that phone that day, it wasn't using the drugs my husband gave me and it wasn't telling the truth when everyone else lied. I should have left with my children. It was my job to protect them and put them first and I didn't realize it then I had put being a family above being a mother. 

Your Honor, I am asking you to release me of my case plan and this case immediately without prejudice. I have no problem remaining on meds or in counseling and I know my husband is requesting an absolute no contact parenting plan for me and our infant daughter. I don't know what to say to that. I know its a family court issue and I don't know or can recommend to you what should be in that situation because I don't know enough about the Juvenile Dependency courts to know what is even allowed or a choice. I am just asking for this to be over with, please. I want to go back to the life I had before this marriage, before our volatile relationship ruined us all. I want to be the mother and person I was the person I know I can be and will be. 

Please take my request into consideration. 

On your birthday...

For your birthday I hope all your birthday wishes come true. I hope that choosing a wish for when you blow out the candles is the hardest part of your day, because you already have everything you wanted. I hope you have a piece of cake or a cupcake at midnight and you celebrate your day instead of avoiding it like you have done in the past, because you deserve to be celebrated.

I hope the next year brings you nothing but happiness and good memories. I hope that you get to a point in life where you have no need to look elsewhere that what you have is just enough and what you need, since our daughter nor I were. I hope that you never need another (Side-chick) Sunday night out and that staying home is preferred, because it has all you desire. I hope that you balance life, by being the best you that you can be. I hope you raise the bar instead of being deceptive. I hope that you never are left unfufilled. I hope that you find your once in a lifetime love. The one who knows all the bad and loves you still, but even more than that you will love them in that same way. I hope that you hate me less and let the anger go. I hope that you remember the good and and forgive the bad. I hope that when you wake up every morning you are happy with yourself, your choices, and it is just how it should be.

Now, I dont know if all that is possible... some people will always want and need more...(so Ive heard...) but I hope for you it is. And please know that hope is genuine. Dont let all this be for nothing... the destruction, the ruining, the process. I hope that going forward you are most fufilled by the life(s) you have created.

MAY THE NEXT 41 YEARS BE YOUR BEST 41 YEARS.... and may my birthday gift to you be just what you wanted, one you received the other is delayed. Enjoy your day, your life and the gifts bestowed on you.

To the rest: As of yesterday the divorce papers are in his hands. He has asked that i sign over my custody and rights. I don't want to as a mother, but because I am a mother I dont think I have a choice. No child should have to live in such chaos. And as much as I want to believe there is an end in sight, I know there isnt. I dont know what I did to make him feel so hateful and angry. As much as he wants to say he fears me, he doesnt. As much as he wants to blame my mental health theres no evidence of his personal diagnosis. All his accusations and reasons are just stories, and so I dont know why....and I have come to terms with the fact that I never will. I have driven myself crazy trying to fix it all. Be better. Do more. Try harder. But the honest truth is this isnt something you can redeem yourself from. My life will never be the same. And not because I smacked a phone out of his hand while holding the baby. But because I had trusted, loved and believed in something and someone who didnt feel the same way.

4 Letter Words: Hell, Home, Hope

 This blog has been three weeks in the making and I do have to tell you that it is a much different blog than it would have been 3 weeks ago... and that is good and in some ways it's really not. 

The first week we can call Hell Week. Between Valentines Day, our Anniversary and my and our Daughters birthday it was a hard one to deal with and accept that we couldn't have those first and such together. Some days I cried, some days I didn't move and all of the days I wished I could fix it. Fix you. I have fixed me. How do I fix you? 

I had big hopes for the week after Hell week. It was supposed to be my moment to pull myself up from my boot straps and get it together. Then I got word of the offset and that I wouldn't be getting the $ I thought I would in order to finally get a place and no longer stay on people's couches, or air mattresses or floors like I had for the past 5 months. So I again lost hope... I couldn't blame you on this one.... It was just another my kind of luck situations. But by the grace of an Angel, my grandmother, it all worked out and I was able to secure a home with in 24 hours and move in within 72. I had done it. I had made it through the hardest part.... And in the back of my head I worried what you were going to do now that I had overcome this hurdle... I feared that... Then in another part a very little part somewhere that is the stupid part of my head thought maybe you'd just be proud that I did it, maybe you'd see that I was a fighter and stronger than you gave me credit for and maybe just maybe you'd remember why you fell in love with me in the first place. Stupid part of my head. Hopeless Romantic some will call it, I call it stupid fucking girl part. You tried your hardest to make the move harder and even tried cancelling it. I had to beg and plead with you to let me take my stuff and leave. I think my favorite part was when you said I couldn't come with Police and your mother but I would have to come when you were home and you would have the police protect you, Hayley and Nina, well that makes no sense if you were so scared of me isn't the safest way to do it is to not be around each other at all? 

Does anyone still buy this crap that you're the victim and I am the perpetrator? I mean I have slapped you when you have called me names, and yes you have had scratches on you from me trying to defend myself. But you are the one who strangled me with the phone cord and pulled it so tight around my neck that it broke, you are the one who left a 3 inch scar from a stab wound on my leg when I found her in the house at 5 am that Sunday I am the one who has scars on her hands from fighting to keep you off me, I am the one who you "almost drove off the rode to kill us", but you didn't because SHE deserves you, I now know it wasn't Nina you were talking about that night. I am the one you threw her purse out of the car and I refused to get out to get it and had to have a friend drive from our home in IHB to Cocoa to get it because I knew if I got out of that car to get it you were going to hit me and kill me. I have the voice recordings of you saying it. My friends have the voice recordings, my friends friends have them. We have the pictures. My children have the memories. But I stayed. I tried to accept all the blame. I can't complain about them sheltering my children from me because there is one thing that is the honest truth in those documents. I didn't put them first. I subjected them to the fights to the abuse to the toxic relationship. I sent them away to try and fight FOR us, when I should have walked away I loved you more than I loved them. And that is not what a mother is supposed to do. My fear of failing my fear of allowing Nina to be brought up by the person you really are when no one holds you accountable or gives you a reason to be better those fears made me not do the right thing. But that's not something me and my other children have to worry about anymore. Because that is our past.... Although the even after the immediate move I just wanted you. I never denied that there is definitely something wrong with me and if anything is crazy is that I still love and miss you.... But it's getting easier... And I have accepted it. 

You probably don't know this but I intercepted the delivery of our Orlando City Season Tickets, but I am just not the type of girl to play dirty so it was all short lived. The first home game in the new stadium was all my FB feed was about the countdown the players the celebrations. I knew it was going to be hard accepting that someone else was sitting in my seat, the seat we bought for our time together, but just like everything else she is very comfortable taking things that are mine. Side note: She will never, could never and does not have what it take to be me, to be anything like me, or compare to me. But that is what you need, because I was too strong, to opinionated, too smart, for your liking. I am a woman you need to mold her to be and think and act like you need her too, she is a child, a dumb pathetic child with daddy issues and low self esteem and that is what you thrive off on. So she can't take the man I made you in the residence I made our family home for us and she can play house with you and our daughter, because that is what children do, but let me tell you something what is mine I will get back. And you, were never mine so I don't expect you to come back. So as it got closer to opening day and it got harder to accept the current situation a sort of peace came over me, and I realized regardless of the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the disappointment, the hurt, the betrayal and set up. I was never going to be able to forgive you for this... For regifting my gift our future plans to someone we both know you really don't love, or want, you just can't get rid of her for a million reasons. That is bittersweet to me... She will hold you back and you have more to fear to lose with her than you ever did me. 

So on Saturday night I emailed you and I told you that I loved you and that I had thought that maybe by now that we would have gotten past this and that you have proven your point. And I promised to let you go, to let you be. And I hated having to say it because I, unlike you, mean what I say when I say it. 

You would think that would have been the end of it... That would have been our closure that should have been enough. I asked your step dad to have you leave me the divorce papers you told me on December 1 you had for me to sign on Monday, he didn't even know papers existed, but they did. And when I got to his house that night I quickly looked them over to see if they were filled out properly and that was when I saw it.. it wasn't that you had got our wedding date wrong.... I didn't catch that until today, it was the fact that you had our date of separation on some pages as July 31, 2016 and others as August 1, 2016... it made no sense to me... How is that possible??? We didn't have any problems until right before Labor Day.... You had DCF called out in the middle of September and I went to inpatient on September 21- September 23 for post partum and you were telling me in the parking lot that you loved me so much and just wanted me to get better and you were going to stick by me... You testified in court in September, October, November and January you were trying to save our marriage up until Halloween time. You stayed in a hotel with me for 5 days during the hurricane and you said we made progress..... You threw me out after I found someone else's face wash in our shower and questioned you again and you shoved a hamburger that I had made you for dinner down my through the and on smashed it on my face and punched me and told me you could no longer deal with my lack of trust and screamed at me that I was ruining our lives because you loved me so much and I was pushing you away we had sex the night before you had me leave... I don't understand if all that is true if everything I thought and claimed and believed was because I was crazy then how come your date of separation is 2 months before mine???? The last night I spent in the house with your was October 7, 2016 the last night I had spent in the house at all was October 8, 2016.  Why August 1??? I couldn't figure it out so I went through the texts, and my phone and my Facebook timeline.... And there it was.... It was the night of your Beef O' Bradys fantasy football draft when you told me Cam passed out and you got oral while he was... It was the fight of the fights... It was the next morning at 6 am I called your mom in hysterics because I knew you were cheating on me again... And I was pretty sure with someone from work. But no, everyone told me I was crazy you were a devoted husband and father they told me.... But there it was on Monday in your own handwriting.... The date... I just wish someone would have told me. No not someone I wish you would have told me. I wish you would have been the person I thought you were the person who knew I loved them so much nothing would have made me love them less or hurt them. But you weren't you were the person everyone else knew you to be.... A lying, cheating, disrespectful, narcissist. 

Best of luck to you,  I draw up the divorce documents myself and let you sign them... Don't worry I will still list you as the petitioner I mean you have done all this I wouldn't want to take your glory now...