The difference between Good parent GREAT parent

I am going to apologize in advance if this doesn't have structure and maybe a ramble. I am overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts...

There's certain moments, statements and situations in this whole long drawn out, dramatic domestic dispute that have hit me like a solid punch to the gut... Having me say to myself... "Oh, wow!" And crying an over abundance of crocodile tears.

I was in bed, and he was on the phone with whomever it was around September 4-6, 2016 at 2:24 am and I don't know if it was through speakerphone, bluetooth or interference, but I heard her say "She's right about one thing, I am in love with you. Last night was perfect, it was how it should be." Soon after I heard him scream at her when he found out she had confided in Pat from work. When I did a factory reset on my phone and restored with a back up from iCloud, and our iMessages were combined, I read a text from November 23, 2016 at 7:24 pm, over Thanksgiving where he says to the replacement, now GF,  "I wish you were here....You could have come if things would have happen sooner, lol."  She responds confidently, with "It's Ok, next time for sure."Just two nights ago, October 19, 2017, his side-girl, FWB, mistress, "psychotic ex roommate who stole everything including the dog" (his words to me) or whatever he calls her or she calls herself, but the girl he cheated on me with and now cheats on the replacement with... Called me and said... "I know you are going to summoned me to testify and I have to tell the truth.... I am not against you, but I am not against him either. You are putting me in a really bad position." Then she went on to say, "when you reached out to me and acted like you wanted to be my friend and recorded the things I told you, your tricked and deceived me. You lied." Yes I did reach out to her, I wanted to know the truth... I did record her because I was honestly scared for my life but determined for answers. My determination is my worst enemy...Every time I hear someone say "But he's such a great dad." I cringe... it is like nails on a chalkboard. I want to scream so freaking loud, but I have learned to not be so defensive about it. People only know what is on the surface... So now I simply respond with "I don't agree. He is a good dad. Our daughter is well cared for, healthy, smart, beautiful and super happy.... But GREAT DADS don't do this to the mother of their children." Great dads don't hate the other parent, the biological mother, more than they love their child. I will make that clearer, GREAT PARENTS DO NOT HATE THE OTHER PARENT MORE THAN THEY LOVE THE CHIL.

Now my point of this blog, the common denominator in all 4 situations,  the women or person that support these behaviors. We have all heard the saying if he does it with you then he will do it to you. But for some reason or another we all think we will be different, or maybe we actually love unconditionally and accept that it will not be different. Here's the thing though, we should all want to be the one who makes someone better not feed into them being God awful human beings. But yet it doesn't always go that way... It should but it doesn't. I don't understand it, I wish I did. I wish someone somewhere could explain this to me. Even these women's mother's the boast and brags about this man with their daughters. They say what a great looking couple, couple of the year, how they can't wait for their wedding day.  Are you kidding me? I have 3 daughters and I dare each one of them to bring home one who says to me their ex was crazy or psychotic, because my question is what did you do to cause that person to be that way. NOW WAIT! There are exceptions to this rule, I get that some people are just crazy and their thought process is way out there. But for the most part how humans act is usually a reaction. I often say to myself "Self, (that's what I call myself), does anyone ever say to him 'Just stop it will do more for your daughter that you tried to help and gave her mother the opportunity rather then not' if no one has, can someone please do so? 

If our friends are in situations that seem sketchy or just not right, we tell them? I do. SIDE NOTE: I have a friend, God bless her hopeless romantic heart, I am much more cynical given it all... Anyways she came to me one day so in love, and he was sweeping her off her feet, on expensive vacations, giving extravagant gifts, helping with her child. I asked her what do you other friends think? She said that it was like a dream come true, I told her eventually you wake up from dreams. I said something doesn't seem right it's too much too soon, he's roping you in to make it so you can't run away.... She was hurt, I understood. We agreed to disagree that day, and when 6 months later she called because she needed help leaving him, because it was worse than expected, she said to me "you were the only one who didn't say this was perfect."  I would like to think that maybe somewhere through the time that she was there she heard my voice saying "no, something isn't right" because I thank god she didn't waste too much time with some one like him. Like I did.

In the last year the things I have found proof of and the records I have kept, they still shock me. He had sex with 9 women between me having our daughter, and the time he forced me out of our house, 5 months. 9 women came into my home and had sex with my husband with my child there, and no one came to me and said this is going on you are not crazy.  He bragged about it to the girls at work, to his friends, on websites, live stream, but still no one warned me or stopped him.  I have to subpoena people using phone records, videos that coincide with the ones protected form the "revenge porn" act to force them to admit the truth. 

I will stop rambling....after this.....

A husband betrayed his wife, he got angry at her and blamed her, he cheated on her, he convinced her she was crazy, he convinced others she was abusive, he lied, he had others lie for him, and then he had the state come in and lied to them he threathened his wife to go along with what he said "or else" he abused her emotionally, physically, mentally and when she reacted he abused the system to do his dirty work. And took credit proudly, others helped him even more proud then he himself was at what he had done. He laughed about it, joked about it, would say to the child "uh oh mommy' crazy train is here choo-choo" or apologize that I was her mother, the crazy one. He had sex with multiple women while our child was in the bed, or  sometimes in the other room, crying and he would yell out to her "Give me a few more minutes" He would put her in the crib and have sex with women on the couch right next to that crib.... I have the pictures, the videos. But no one else has come forward and admit their own wrongdoing, their part in it.  Only the one girl who I recorded was the one to ever confirm what I knew, and thank god for that recording because had I not had it, I don't know if I would have kept fighting for my children, myself or anything.... 

He didn't hurt just me, he hurt 3 other children who are without their siblings, he walked away and is so cruel to his 5 year old step son who thought and still thinks is his best buddy, regardless of hi not seeing speaking or letting his sister see him. Butt yet I hear it everyday, at least once, he's' a great dad. 

No, he's not, he's a good dad who provides for our daughter, he's not a good person, and if you support such behavior ask yourself what kind of person your are, please? Question your motives, reasoning, sensibility and logic on why you think so, how do you justify it? Don't say you care for my daughter, my children, and want what's best while you assist in the ruining of their lives..... When you are done with that.....Then put yourself in my shoes... I can only hope, that there is a special place in hell for those that claim love and act in hate. 

Help raise funds for attorney to assist in this smoke and mirror fight. 

UPDATE: I have a type its called "Cluster B"; 6 months late and 1 year later

It's been 5 months since court and 6 months since I have finally had the courage to talk/blog about that my situation after my truth was used against me (again) that day in the courtroom.

The day that the case was closed out to him.  It wasn't shocking to me, in fact I was more surprised that we were objecting it than anything else. I mean I had posted a blog and spread word that we should close the case out, right? We all remember that??? I thought we were all in agreement to close the case out, but when my attorney had said we weren't I was confused, but went with it. Maybe she knew something I didn't... .she didn't. The only thing I was apprehensive about that day was the fact that my soon to be ex-husband was going to be able to have full control over when and how I got to see my daughter, I begged the court to appoint another supervisor, but she said it and It echoed and he loved it, she said "I am sorry Mrs. Fagan but Mr. Fagan will have full control over those decisions going forward." I mumbled "full control, that's right. But Your Honor what if he doesn't provide me the 4 hours a week to see her due to what ever circumstance he chooses?" That was a good way to put it, she has to see where I am coming from now.... She asked him if he would be willing to supervise he stated no that we have too much of a violent history and that he has had the cops called on him one to many times, he is not putting himself in that predicament again...

Wait, did he just say the cops were called on him???? By who??? I didn't call them when he strangled me with the phone cord, or when he stabbed my leg to get the phones, or when he destroyed the two week old Galaxy Samsung 7 (he really didn't want me to retrieve those pics), or when he shoved the hamburger down my throat, or choked me, not when he threw my purse in to a gas station parking lot and told me to go get it so he can 'run my ass over,' and I didn't call them  when he almost drove the car off I-95 because I read 'her' text while we were driving home from a soccer game because as he put it "he wanted to kill us both, but he didn't because 'she' deserved him." (I assumed then, that he meant our daughter, I have learned not to assume anything anymore) But NOPE I never called the cops on him... But the judge who had laughed him out of the courtroom months earlier in his request for an injuction, sided with him and said "Mrs Fagan, if you are not given four hours individual visitation with your supervisor then you have to take it up in Family Court." He mocked and taunted me while we waited for the final papers to be handed to us in the common area. He told me he wanted me to pay $800 a month in child support "like my baby daddy did." I told him if he was struggling financially he should probably (at this time it was 1/5 of the amount it is today) have spent $4,000 on event tickets, accommodations and all that goes with these kind of plans. He didn't like that. But we closed the case got our papers and went our separate ways, he left with our child, I left alone.

During the dependency case I was asked and argued with a lot on "how" this happened, "why" this went this way, didn't I tell them about what he did and what he said, some accused me of withholding information. Everyone said there had to be more to the story, most could tell me about someone else who had such worse allegations against them than I did and they had their child(ren).... "It doesn't make sense there has to be more to the story"  I wish there was... I wish there was something that I was just in denial about something I didn't want anyone else to know but the truth was is and remains that there was no more to the story.  The biggest misconception everyone has is throughout these months and court appearances, he was never looked at, drug tested, or held accountable to anyone. Only I was. It was not a court case of me vs. him. He had the state do his dirty work when he sent them that bogus video he directed and produced.... It was the state vs me in the best interest of my daughter. As sold to them by a 3 time convicted drug felon, womanizer, master manipulator, awesome poker player, and admitted liar. Every time I would say but he did this.... They would say it's not about him. Every time I would catch something like driving the baby home after drinking, they would say "well he's not the offending parent" I remember asking him once the first time I caught him in bed with a woman (who then proudly told me she had been around for months), how could you lie to me? Why did you lie to me? The answer was simple and every time he lies I hear it in my head "because I was a liar Melissa, and that's what liars do, they lie." Such a simple yet profound statement... Take that and mix it with leopards never change their spots, and sprinkle it what I believe is cluster B... Long story short without getting to far off an over beaten trail.... He won the battle.... Now we go into family court. A new arena where it's not all eyes on just me, where I won't have to hear this isn't about him, being told he is not the offending parent. If we ever actually make it to family court....

Now since I have taken such a break, I have a lot to say next post will be either about mediation, or why when some one calls him a GREAT dad I have to correct them on why his only a good dad and then the discoveries of the last year...Thank you for following, reading, empathize and judging me. This is my story and its far from perfect..but it's mine... Truth be told.