I know why you like him, I know why you want him, it’s for the same reasons I love him. The reasons I stayed so much longer than you wanted me too. I want to blame you, I want to blame anything but him... but the truth is you had no loyalty to me, you didn’t promise to do this to me, he did. I can only blame him. He taught me the difference between lust and love, and chose lust over love. I thought him and I chose love, he chose lust with you over love with me. I didn’t see it coming. I would have never thought you’d exsist in our perfect for us relationship.
I wonder if he makes you feel like he does me, does he tell you how pretty you are? How soft your skin is? Does he compliment your eyes? Your hips? Does he look at you when he says I love you? Is he promising to marry you? Does he talk about wanting a baby and how cute it would be? Does he talk about running away? Going to Church? And what’s next? Does he tell you that your the best ever? That he’s never been more comfortable with anyone else? That he needs you like he needs air? I guess I want to know does he tell you the same lies he tells me?
I am sure you are a good person, but I think he deserves better. Someone who would have made him do the right thing not accepted and encouraged him to do the wrong thing. He deserves someone who will make him a better person, someone who will put his reputation before theirs. Someone who will love him and be there unconditionally. Someone who respects him, herself and the other people he cares about. I anxiously wait for you to be that person, I wait for you to make it right... you haven’t to date. I am not stupid I am a realist, I know people fall out of love and meet a someone, and I support that...I don’t support doing it in a manner where others are destroyed.
We have many names for you in his and my conversations, even though you don’t exist. You are the outsider, the ghost, the closet keeper, IT, the reindeer game teammate and the one no one understands: the person under the bed.
I do not believe you live under my bed, let’s straighten that up. I know you have been in my bed, I have seen you there, I call you that because to me you are a monster. You have taken part in making my dreams, nightmares. You have helped suck the life out of me, and couldn’t respect yourself, me or him enough to be patient or proper.
He still denies you. I can drive down and find him not at his home but yours, and he still denies it. He has let you interfere and damage so much, he listens to you carefully, respectfully and acts with effort on your behalf. I am not a saint. He was unhappy and seeked happiness in something that wasn’t me. And I brought this upon myself, he says. I agree to an extent, I should have respected myself enough to leave. I should have not begged, not pleaded, not threw myself for his mercy and I shouldn’t have turned a blind eye, not for someone who no longer loved or wantedm me but would even consider being with someone like you. I will be ok, in time. I will never be the same, or love this way again but maybe that’s a good thing. As you for you and him, you two were meant for each other.
KNOW BETTER-DO BETTER-BE BETTER
