Yesterday, I learned more of where I am not welcomed, wanted and needed. Maybe it’s my own doing, maybe like my sons father tells me it’s my karma, maybe it’s my punishment, or lessons that God feels I need. I don’t know... I truly no longer care. I go through the motions, strive to do better, be better accomplish more, but until others get past the past I have no chance. That doesn’t fall on me, I often hear that “once you get back to a better place, things will change...” it’s not me that hasn’t tried, it’s not me that chose a treadmill... I have done all I could and can. You either help or hurt the cause.... I tried.
I sit on a supervised visits with my daughter and timer, not because I deserve it or because I get paid to do it, but because it’s the only way to see her. I received 19 texts in two weeks from my sons father telling me how much more I am worth dead. I don’t stay alive and call my son nightly to hear his dads opinion, I do it because I love my son. I have received word of my “cousin” offering to give me the gun if I kill myself because it’s what I deserve. I don’t take him up on his offer because I know he’s a sicker for saying it and wanting it than I am for being where I am. I know the difference between loving my daughters more than anything, more than hating someone else.
I have been shunned and isolated because of what I admitted when I was wrong, and stopped fighting the lies based off of those truth when others feel the need to focus on my shortcomings not their own.
I don’t have much of a family, which baffles me when we can cover for those that have had violent crimes against our own and others. I fell short of the pedestal. I make mistakes but I try and correct them. Maybe I am misunderstood, maybe I am misunderstanding. I am only as good as what I have and I no longer have anything.
I am hurt I am sad and I appreciate everyone thinking that I will be fine just because I always have been... I am not fine. I am not going to hurt myself or do anything “stupid” I refuse to give anyone that satisfaction.
I died yesterday. Obviously not physically, I can’t physically because my children would only hear one side. And it’s not the right side for them to hear. I am ok. I am sober. I am not suicidal or depressed or illogical. I am hurt. I am alone and I am scared. I am more disappointed in others than I am myself.
